How to Mend A Family Feud

Families like anything in life need time and attention. Family feuds can be complex and involve many different people with many different opinions. Here are some simple steps to help you to mend and get the family back together again

1. Listen (and really listen)

Taking the time to listen shows that you have respect for the person and the situation. Listen to both sides of the story without judgement

2. Understand the issue

A feud is impossible to solve if it is not clear what the actual problem is. It may seem obvious on the surface however there are often, deeper issues that is causing someone to behave in the way they are 

3. Take pride out of the equation

Sometimes our emotions and pride can be hurt which can make us act defensively and out of character. Swallow the pride to start to move forward on an even footing.

4. Establish The Need For Peace

Make it known that you want peace and the issue sorted. By stating that you want a resolution it shows an intent to move forward in a positive way

5. Start small

When dealing with a large longstanding problem starting with small steps is wise. A brief phone call, email, text message or even birthday card may be the small start to bigger things . Don’t attempt to jump into a large scale reconciliation as it will most likely not work

6. Show Empathy

Show that you care and that you understand the situation. Understand the persons feelings and the way they feel

7. Put Yourself in their Shoes

Look at things from their perspective. Talk through the narrative of what has happened from their perspective. This may give you a clear of why and how the feud has happened and how best to deal with it

8. Consider the Impact

Consider the impact that the feud is having on the rest of the family. Family feuds affect more than just the people directly involved. Settle the differences to allow some peace for the rest of the family

9. Communicate

You will get nowhere without communication. Once you understand the issue, get ready to talk about it. Be open and honest and empathetic. Do not allow raised voices or arguments. If you are unable to communicate without it getting heated, try again when things have calmed down

10. Apologise

If you are in the wrong, definitely apologise. If you are not in the wrong it may also help to apologise for the negativity and bad feeling that has occurred

11. Forgive

Forgiveness is a choice we all have. Choose to forgive rather than have days, months or years or bad feeling

12. Agree actions

Agree what it will take to get over the situation and what should happen next. Leading on to…

13. Set Expectations 

If the issue occurs again, what will happen? What will be the consequences? Ensure to set expectations up front so everyone knows where they stand

14. Be Positive About Progress

When things are moving in the direction, be vocal about the progress that is being made in a positive way. Reinforce the benefits that it is having to the family 

15. Show Love

Perform actions that show your love for family. Whether it be verbally telling someone what they mean or through small gestures such as small meaningful gifts or surprises

16. Appreciate the Uniqueness of Family

So you’ve fallen out over a difference of opinion. Well that’s natural, everyone is different and has different opinions, values and experiences. Celebrate the uniqueness rather than arguing over the differences.

17. Look After Yourself

The feud may be taking your time and energy however make sure you keep some back to look after yourself. Thinking and feeling good will not only help your own mental and physical wellbeing, it will also help you to be at your best for any further action needed to calm the situation.  

18. Accept That it Will Take Time

Feuds and rifts take time to get over. Accept that it may not all be fixed tomorrow. People may need to take time to accept or get over what has happened. Do what you can and then acknowledge and accept that it may take some time to be fully healed

19. Get Help

If things get too much and seem completely unreconcilable consider getting outside help. There are many trained relationship counsellors and therapists who will have seen situations and conflicts like your and are trained to mediate and help solve the situation.